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Over the years, I have tried to deal with certain behaviours which instinctively kick in as a knee-jerk reaction to some stimulus. I have spent time reading self-help books and spent time in self-awareness workshops. Slowly but surely I have come to understand where I am coming from, and to redress some of the more glaring of my inadequacies.
Yet I have the habit of reacting in an unacceptable way when I feel threatened, no matter how insignificant that threat may appear to be to an outsider. I am now trying to confront my fears, and to unravel what has gone into causing my default behaviour, so that I can get sufficient understanding of myself, and try to dismantle this need to defend myself.
I think about this behaviour as being part of my dark side, my shadow, and yet I need to recognise that whatever it is, it is part of me, and so I must accept it, and go as far as to love it. Resisting it, hating it, feeling guilty about it, can only cause it to persist, grow and add to my feeling of dissatisfaction with myself. This cannot help my growth, but will surely hinder future progress in gaining control over myself, my relationships and my possibilities.
What my parents said and did whilst I was growing up, have had a profound effect upon my inability to deal with conflict situations. I became terrified when problems were magnified and crises created out of everyday happenings. It made me feel that problems are something unnatural and to be avoided at all costs. The person who created the problem, if outside the family, was criticised severely and judged to be a moron and (as it felt to my child’s mind) fit for nothing. So I grew to believe that no-one else was good enough, no-one was acceptable, and certainly that no-one was nice. I believed that people were not to be trusted.
Read more about the Dark Side or the Shadow in the February 2011 Wellbeing Article
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